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As I write this post, we are about a week away from Thanksgiving here in the United States. For many families, this break is the first time their college freshman will be home. It can be a tricky time for parents and students as they learn what this arrangement looks like. It is also a moment of reflection, especially for the student, as this is likely their first break away from their peers, friends, and the hustle of college life. Let's talk a little about it.
For The College Freshman
I remember back to my first year in college and Thanksgiving break. I lived a six-hour drive from my parent's house, so it was the first time I would be back home. I had a crazy freshman experience. After 18 years of living at home, college presented me with the first time that my day-to-day activities were my own to prioritize. Many of us grew up with a curfew, and not having that curfew was freeing. Every night, I would stay up until 2 A.M. hanging out with friends, playing video games, and watching TV. And then, every day at 6 A.M., I would wake up and begin my day. I did what I wanted when I wanted while also staying on top of my coursework (I still have nightmares about piano proficiency and ear training).
And then, you are home. You return, if only for a few days, to someone else's structure. You are now living in a house where someone else makes the rules. This experience can feel like whiplash. I mention this only to prepare you for it. I remember coming home and going out with some friends, and my parents gave me a curfew of 10 P.M. 10 P.M. was when I would head back from practicing and doing homework to be with my dorm friends! It is a bit of a shock - just be ready for it.
Taking a Break
Thanksgiving break, even if only for a few days, may be the first time since going to college you can relax by yourself. Take this moment to reflect on everything that has happened, positive and negative, and process it. You will have more time to reflect and relax in a few weeks over Winter Break (which, for many, is a month off from school!), but you will have a lot when you get back.
Did I Make The Right Choice?
For some students, Thanksgiving break is the first time they can start asking this question. Did I pick the right major? Did I pick the right school? Is dorm life going okay? These questions are okay to be thinking about. I do not know many people who do not question these choices, not only in their first semester at college but during their entire time in school. Some things to consider that may put you at ease.
Changing your major is not uncommon. I think back on the friends I had in my undergraduate, and it is surprising how many of them changed their majors.
Changing your school is also not uncommon. It is a little more rare, but it is not unheard of. This decision is a bigger subject to consider, so careful not to jump to any major conclusions during this short break.
Talk to Someone About Life
Sometimes, life at college is crazy, and we do not know what to make of it. This time is when talking to someone you trust is important. This person could be a parent, an extended family member, a close friend, or a mentor. Also, finding a trusted person not tied to any decision you make can help you get a fresh perspective.
For The Freshman Parent
Let's be honest - you are probably missing your kid a lot. After 18 years of having them at home, watching your kid go off to college (especially if they are your first child) is a heavy feeling. You have so much hope for them in their studies, health, safety, mental well-being, and friendships. Seeing them come home is a huge relief. It can also be a bit of a surprise.
It has been almost three months since you dropped your child off at college. If they go to school out of state or a ways away in-state, they probably have not been home yet. And, even if you visited them, it was only for a few hours as they had their classes and a place to sleep. In those three months, a lot can happen. As adults with long-term relationships, routines, and steady jobs, we can forget how much can happen in three months. When your kid comes home, they will still be the same person you dropped off in August/September, but they will have experienced a lot.
They Will Need A Break
Some college kids have a great relationship with sleep. But, honestly, most of them do not. They are running non-stop. They are experiencing everything. They have made a ton of new friends, and they have probably lost a few of them along the way. There is a chance they had a serious relationship that lasted for months and ended you did not know about. They have struggled to navigate life without their trusted friend groups. They have done a lot of growing in those three months. They will probably need some sleep. I always joked that at the end of my first year in college, I got home, unpacked, and went to bed at 10, only to wake up the next afternoon when my mom got home from work at 5! They are still teenagers, and while they are unlikely to experience as much physical growth as middle and high school, their brains are still growing. This time home may be the first time since they left that they have been able to take a break. Consider that when making plans for what you want to do with them.
Newfound Freedoms
Depending on your parenting style, you and your child may have different ideas of what life back home looks like. Curfews do not exist in college. Even if they were in the dorms at night, they were probably hanging out or doing homework until midnight or beyond. Remember that you sent them to college and that this new freedom was part of the deal. It will take some renegotiating what life at home looks like over breaks. While it is your home, they are also an adult now. Some kids may see your home as their home, while others will see it as a place the college is making them go to because they are not allowed to stay on campus. This break can be a somewhat precarious time. There is no right way to navigate this time, but it is good to be aware that this will be new for you and your child.
Relationships Outside of the Family
Your child is not the only kid home for the holidays. They will probably want to see their high school friends as well. Thanksgiving break is pretty short in college compared to high school, and part of this short break now includes traveling. They will want to see their friends they had to say goodbye to back in September. And, even though everyone will be back on break in just a few weeks, this is their first chance to see the people that got them through high school. They have probably already made plans to see these friends. It may be surprising how little time over this break you get to see your kid. But if you are thinking, You can hang out with your friends over Winter break. You need to be with your family, they may be thinking the same thing about family. This time is another point for renegotiating expectations.
Life Decisions
As adults, we hope our kids reach out and ask for help. Chances are, though, they will not. Some kids are already overwhelmed. They are facing choices they did not think they would. They may be looking at grades lower than they are used to seeing. They may already be thinking they picked the wrong major. They may even be thinking about transferring schools. These are heavy thoughts. Not every college student will face them (I was completely confident about my choices as a freshman), but many will. I do not think my parents knew I was very close to changing my major after my junior year of college! It is good to check in with them and see how they are doing. You might also consider offering to get them some help to talk through things with someone.
Final Thoughts
The holidays can be a fraught time as it is. While we are happy to see our families, it is also a moment to slow down and relax. I hope some of this has given you some insight into how to make these breaks restful for everyone. If you are traveling, safe journeys. And I wish you a restful and rejuvenating time with your family.
Ready to learn how you can use insight into your personality and values to improve your life? Reach out today, and we will get started moving you from overwhelm and uncertainty to clarity and direction.
With love,
Tom Chapman, TruePath Discovery Coaching
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