Oct 12, 202311 min read

I Don't Know - What It Means and How To Help

Updated: Oct 7

Of all the phrases I encounter as a friend, teacher, or life vision coach, few are as complex or loaded with different meanings as I don't know. So much is wrapped up in this collection of three words. Today, I will talk about the phrase I don't know, how we can figure out what it means for the person we are talking to, and how we can use that knowledge to help them.

While there are many ways someone can deliver an I don't know, I believe there are four primary forms. I break them into two easy-to-understand forms and the two trickier forms, the latter usually being a way of asking for help.

The Easy-To-Understand Forms of I Don't Know

First, there are two standard forms of I don't know. They are simple and easy to recognize, though not always easy to help with, as in the second form.

The Curious I Don't Know

I faced this type of I don't know all the time as a teacher, especially when teaching the History of Rock and Popular Music. Often, I would be teaching, and a student would ask a question. I would pause, rake my brain for an answer, and then respond, "Huh, I don't know." This was followed by me running to my laptop, and we would search for the answer together on the internet, or I would write it down to search for it later that day.

I would get excited when a student responded with this form of I don't know! They would deliver the line with a sense of curiosity. This form of I don't know sparks learning and discovery. It is the springboard into a new world of experience. As a teacher, this was the best phrase I could hear. This moment is where the magic happens. And it is easy to help with, as well! Either the person you are talking to does not need any help, or all they need is a push in the right direction, and they are off. I am getting excited just thinking about this interaction!

The Indifferent I Don't Know

If the previous I don't know was exciting, this form of I don't know has the potential to be frustrating. This form of I don't know is the form I would get when I would ask a question, often related to content. The student would then respond with, "I don't know." This response signaled that the students did not care that there was an answer or care to learn it.

This one is easy to understand but difficult to help with. At the end of the day, whether the person answering is a friend, a child, or a student, we can not make others care. We can encourage them to care. We can help them to understand why they should care. We can even show them the world of possibilities that open up to them if they care. But we can not make them care.

I have had some success with this form of I don't know, but it depends on the situation. Helping someone understand why they need to pass math class is pretty straightforward. Once, I was running a study hall, and a student refused to do their work. I sat down with them one day, where the following exchange occurred.

Me: Do you like to have fun? Student: Yeah... Me: Do you want to have fun for the rest of your life? Student: Yeah... Me: Well, the truth is, the older you get, the more expensive fun becomes. So you need to have money to have. You can't have money without a job. And if you want a job that gives you enough money and free time to have fun, you need a high school diploma. They won't give you your high school diploma if you don't pass math. Student: Dang...no one has ever said it that way...*proceeds to take out materials for class and work hard for the rest of the semester*

I got lucky in this interaction. It does not always work this well. Sometimes, the person we are trying to help must figure it out themselves. Sometimes, giving the person space to find their meaning is necessary.

The Trickier Forms of I Don't Know

As I mentioned above, these two trickier forms of I don't know are ways of asking for help without knowing it. These two forms are probably the most misunderstood phrases in the English language and have vexed parents, spouses, and friends for generations. Often, these two forms of I don't know come off as indifferent when they are from a place of confusion or trust. The challenge with these two forms is that we may not have the skills or trust necessary to help the person we care about. That said, we need to understand these forms so we know how to help the person we care about find the help they need.

I Don't Know...Where to Start

Frustration and heightened emotions accompany this form of I don't know. Sometimes, outbursts of anger or tears of frustration accompany this response. As a teacher, I would see this when working with challenging topics or subjects the student did not grasp well. In these situations, a student wants to understand. They have tried hard to understand. They do not want to be confused. However, they do not know where to begin on a problem or concept. Parents will often see this, and students experience this when they have a large, complex project to work on. In this case, I don't know means I don't know how to get started or how to organize my process. If the complexity and size of a task overwhelms us (something like writing a 20-page research paper), we often need help breaking it down into smaller chunks. Once we establish this process, we can proceed more confidently.

This process is an aspect of why video games can be addictive and why students often gravitate to them over homework. Well-made video games progress in a way that introduces you to new skills and concepts gradually. They know how to make the next challenge just out of our reach, which triggers the reward center in our brains when we overcome the new challenge. And they also give us clear, step-by-step instructions for how to overcome the current challenge. Video games must capture the player's attention, or the player will walk away, and the game will not be profitable. The same approach used in video games can relieve the stress and overwhelm many students face when they are reluctant to start their homework. It is worth noting that this form of I don't know may combine with, or turn into, the indifferent I don't know mentioned above.

Post-High School Planning

This form of I don't know commonly shows up in planning for life after high school. There are several parents that I talk to who are exasperated by their exchanges with their child when they ask, "What are you going to do after high school?" and the response they get is, "I don't know." Again, this is accompanied by anger, frustration, overwhelm, and, often, tears. Sometimes, we misinterpret this response as stubbornness, apathy, or an unwillingness to do the work when it is a cry for help. Here are some key features to be aware of.

I don't know what I want to do: For all the experiences students can have during high school, both inside and outside the physical building, narrowing down what to do with our lives is not one of them. Most students manage to stumble upon an answer to what they will do after they graduate from their experiences in high school. But, for about 10 to 20 percent of high school graduates, this experience is elusive. The pressure to announce what colleges we are applying to in the Fall compounds this issue, especially as our peers announce the colleges they have applied to. Or when our peers make an early decision on colleges before Winter Break. Or the looming pressure to proudly proclaim the school and degree a student will pursue on graduation announcements, seeming to rush past high school graduation itself and launch forward three months. Or that peer who has aimed their life and energy at one career path, one major, and one college for the past four years. This pressure to decide immediately assumes that every student knows what they want to do with life after high school. However, if a student does not know what they want or what they will do, there are few resources available to help make this decision. And, even if resources are present, they are either of limited scope or come with very little support for how to use them. If this is the case for you or your child, working with a life vision coach who can help them understand themselves, their values, and their personality can pay off in the decision-making process. I can help with this process. If you would like to learn more about how I can help, reach out to me here.
I don't know how to narrow it down: I see this challenge in bright, intelligent students. These are the students that teachers say to parents, "They could do anything with their lives." Rather than relaxing in the sheer quantity of choices, these individuals are often overwhelmed by the options. In addition, when we have the entire world to choose from, the fear of making the wrong decision can be debilitating. For a deeper discussion on the debilitating aspect of too much choice, check out the book The Paradox of Choice by psychologist Barry Schwartz. The same pressures that affect students who do not know what to do also affect those who do not know how to narrow their choices down. The social pressure of making a confident choice early only further complicates decision-making. This process is also more difficult as we watch our peers confidently move forward in their post-high school decisions. When someone is good at several things, it can be hard to discover what would give them a fulfilling life. How do we make the right choice when we can choose from the entire world? How do we narrow down our options? Should we consider earning potential? What about ample time off to enjoy leisure activities? Or the freedom to choose our own work? What if we spend four years preparing for a career only to discover we do not enjoy the work? These challenges are an opportunity to reach out to a life vision coach for help. A life vision coach excels at helping individuals better understand themselves. Then, by understanding ourselves, our personality, and our values, we can narrow down our choices and turn an overwhelming situation into one with a satisfying ending and a well-aligned life. If you would like to learn more about how I can help with this process, reach out to me here.

I Don't Know...If I Can Trust You

This one is the toughest to write and read. Sometimes, the issue with I don't know is that the person knows what they want, but they are afraid of how the person they are talking to will react. This issue comes down to vulnerability. By expressing what we want to do with the rest of our lives, we are laying bare all of our hopes and dreams. And, sometimes, the person asking us to reveal the core of our soul has not earned that trust. This challenge can be uncomfortable as (and I hate to break it to you, parents) you may not be the person they can trust with who they want to be. It is especially true when there is a great deal of pressure from family to select from career paths that the individual does not see aligning with who they are. It is hard to tell your family you want to be a graphic designer when the message you are receiving is you must pursue a career in STEM or business.

This issue does not only show up in post-high school decision-making. It can also show up when there is a part of who we are that we are afraid others will not accept or understand. I have been there. For most of 2022 and part of 2023, I was struggling. It was worse because I felt I had no one I could trust to understand what I was going through without judgment. Even counselors and therapists seemed unable to listen without judgment or implanting their meaning. Not having someone who will listen to what you want to say without judgment is a heavy burden. The importance of having someone you can trust needs to be stressed here. It can be the difference between happiness and struggle. This poem by W. B. Yeats, Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, comes to mind:

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

What do we do for someone we care about in this position? Not only can we see the person we love hurting, but it also stings to know that they may not trust us. First, It may be an opportunity for our own reflection - who am I being that they do not trust me with what they need to say? And, even if they trust us completely, we may not be the person that can help. We must understand we can not be everything to everyone, even those we love. The second step is to find someone who can help the person you care about. This person could be a counselor, a close friend, someone you know they trust, or a life vision coach. If you think I can help in this situation, please reach out to me here, and let's talk about how I may be able to help.

Final Thoughts

I don't know - one of the most complex strings of three simple words we can encounter. So little is said, but it contains a lot of meaning. If there is any key to deciphering this phrase, it is listening with curiosity and care. It is listening to understand, not to be understood.

While we feel we should be able to figure out everything, it is not very common. Not knowing is okay, whatever not knowing means in your situation. And it is okay to ask for help to figure out where to go from here. If there is a parting thought I can leave you with, maybe it is this quote from Marcus Aurelius' Meditations:

Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?

If you need anything, let me know! Embrace the I don't know as a path to learning more about yourself and those around you.

Ready to learn how you can use insight into your personality and values to improve your life? Reach out today, and we will get started moving you from overwhelm and uncertainty to clarity and direction.

With Love,

Tom Chapman, TruePath Discovery Coaching

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