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As I shared on social media recently, I learned I had lost a former student. They were a wonderful person that I loved working with. They were kind, considerate, brilliant, creative, and talented. Their presence in so many lives will be missed.
I have always had a different relationship with death. I sometimes worry that my attitude comes off as uncaring when I care deeply. And it will depend on the situation. When confronted with the death of an animal (whose circumstances and understanding are outside of their control), I can become overwhelmed with emotion. However, with friends and family, my demeanor is much more stoic without that being my intention.
In my current situation, I have also felt different levels of guilt. I feel guilty about leaving my previous position where I taught this student. I feel guilty wondering if I missed something or could have done more (they were actively engaging in my content on social media). Then there is the guilt I feel over where I am in my life compared to the situation. A number of great things happened to me over the last five days. In this case, I face feelings of guilt over believing I should not be enjoying the good parts of my life when a family I have known for years is experiencing a tragedy.
There are several feelings and emotions wrapped up in the experience of grief. What makes this process more difficult to understand is that everyone experiences grief differently. And this process takes time to figure out. While I was researching for this post, I came upon this line from 16Personalities about dealing with sadness:
Life sometimes pushes our “pause” button long enough for it to work on restoration and repairs, even without our permission. That’s called grief...
So, I thought today I might offer a little help on this process. If nothing else, this may serve as permission to feel how you need to feel in whatever you are struggling with.
Before We Begin
As with so much advice when discussing personality types, a little caution is required. Any discussion around personality types in society comes with a lot of generalizations. In any discussion of personality types, some parts resonate with you, while others do not fit your experience. Read everything here with the realization that there will be variations of experience even among similar people.
Grief - What Is It?
As a society, we understand that individuals experience grief when faced with the loss of someone close to them. However, this is only one type of grief. The common factor of grief is that you experience it with a loss. Cleveland Clinic offers this explanation on its website:
...[G]rief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us.
They also provide a short list of types of loss that may trigger grief, which I have included parts of here.
A marriage, friendship, or another form of kinship. Especially common at moments of major life transitions (high school/college graduation, retirement, new job, etc.)
Your home, neighborhood, or community.
Your job or career.
Financial stability.
A dream or goal.
Good health.
The entire article is an incredible resource and includes explanations and descriptions of the symptoms, causes, and types of grief (for example, anticipatory grief, which I found myself in in the Spring of 2022). It also details Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' well-known five stages of grief. Rather than rewriting the article here, I encourage you to read the article yourself.
Using the MBTI and the Enneagram Together
As I discussed in this blog post, I recommend that we neither think in terms of either the MBTI or the Enneagram but rather use both. As a reminder, the Enneagram is our core motivation, or why we behave a certain way, and the MBTI explains how we perceive and make decisions in the world. Both systems are crucial for understanding ourselves.
Grief and the MBTI
Cognitive Functions
It is worth a reminder that while common resources on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and similar sources focus on continuums of each aspect of our personality (Extroversion-Introversion, Sensing-Intuition, Thinking-Feeling, and Judging-Perceiving), I prefer to discuss the MBTI how Carl Jung originally thought of this system through cognitive functions. I have not discussed cognitive functions in a blog post yet (though I will shortly). For now, I have found this video from Frank James to be a great introduction to the eight cognitive functions. While not necessary, I encourage you to watch his video before reading any further.
For a quick reference, here are the eight cognitive functions followed by their abbreviation. We will discuss these more in-depth in another blog post.
The Judging Functions
Extraverted Thinking (Te)
Introverted Thinking (Ti)
Extraverted Feeling (Fe)
Introverted Feeling (Fi)
The Perceiving Functions
Extraverted Sensing (Se)
Introverted Sensing (Si)
Extraverted Intuition (Ne)
Introverted Intuition (Ni)
What Are My Cognitive Functions?
Out of the eight cognitive functions, each person has a dominant function supported by an auxiliary function. These two functions are always a perceiving function paired with a judging function. Whatever our dominant function, the auxiliary function is the opposite, both in terms of Extroversion vs. Introversion and Judging vs. Perceiving. For example, as an ENTJ, Extraverted Thinking is my dominant function, supported by Introverted Intuition as my auxiliary function. Knowing that we explain our personality with two cognitive functions means that there are 16 possible cognitive function pairings, which is where the 16 archetypes come from. Again, this is a crash course - do not panic!
For this post, we will only deal with your dominant function. So find yours in the following list, and we will continue!
ENTJ - Extroverted Thinking (Te)
ENTP - Extroverted Intuition (Ne)
INTJ - Introverted Intuition (Ni)
INTP - Introverted Thinking (Ti)
ENFJ - Extroverted Feeling (Fe)
ENFP - Extroverted Intuition (Ne)
INFJ - Introverted Intuition (Ni)
INFP - Introverted Feeling (Fi)
ESTJ - Extroverted Thinking (Te)
ESTP - Extroverted Sensing (Se)
ISTJ - Introverted Sensing (Si)
ISTP - Introverted Thinking (Ti)
ESFP - Extroverted Sensing (Se)
ESFJ - Extroverted Feeling (Fe)
ISFP - Introverted Feeling (Fi)
ISFJ - Introverted Sensing (Si)
The MBTI Cognitive Functions and Grief
The Introverted and Extroverted Coping Styles
Introverts (I) lead with Introverted functions (Ti, Fi, Si, Ni) and tend to process grief internally, seeking solitude and reflection as they navigate their emotions. They may turn to their dominant or auxiliary Introverted function to make sense of their feelings.
Extroverts (E) lead with Extroverted functions (Te, Fe, Se, Ne) and often rely on external support systems, turning to friends and family for comfort and processing their grief through interactions with others.
The Sensing and Intuition Factors
The Sensing (S) and Intuition (N) preferences in MBTI also influence how individuals perceive and cope with grief.
Sensing Types (Se/Si) primarily engage with the external world through their Sensing functions. They may find comfort in tangible rituals and traditions, such as memorial services or creating physical mementos of their loved ones. Practical advice and concrete support can be particularly helpful.
Intuitive Types (Ne/Ni) are more inclined to explore the deeper meaning of grief and seek spiritual or philosophical perspectives. They may find solace in creative expression, such as writing or art, to process their emotions. They benefit from discussions that delve into abstract concepts and possibilities.
The Feeling and Thinking Dimensions
The Feeling (F) and Thinking (T) preferences in MBTI impact how individuals make decisions and handle emotions.
Feeling Types (Fe/Fi) prioritize empathy and emotional expression when dealing with grief. They tend to be in touch with their emotions and may openly express sadness, anger, or joy when grieving. Emotional support and understanding are crucial for them.
Thinking Types (Te/Ti) approach grief with an analytical mindset, focusing on understanding the logical aspects of their emotions. They may struggle to express their feelings verbally but can benefit from journaling or seeking a therapist to guide their analytical approach.
Auxiliary Functions
While I did not provide them in this blog, knowing your auxiliary function can also help you understand the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. While I lead with Extroverted Thinking, I also process the world through my Introverted Intuition. Knowing more about both functions helps me better understand what I am experiencing. There are several resources you can find to discover your primary cognitive functions, but this chart from Personality Hacker is one the easiest to read.
MBTI - Final Thoughts
By understanding the cognitive functions associated with their MBTI personality type, we can gain insights into our unique coping styles and preferences when dealing with grief. We can use this self-awareness as a guide in seeking the most effective strategies for managing our emotions and finding healing during challenging times.
Grief and the Enneagram
Compared to the MBTI cognitive functions, the Enneagram is a much simpler system to dive into without a deeper explanation. It is worth noting that the Enneagram is also complex once you explore past the basics. Again, both systems explain different aspects of our personality, so we need to understand both to understand ourselves. So, if you know your Enneagram type, here are how the different types approach grief.
Type 1 - The Perfectionist
Type 1 individuals approach grief with a sense of duty and responsibility. They may feel they need to take charge of practical arrangements and struggle with accepting their emotional responses. Type 1s need to allow themselves the grace to grieve without judgment and seek support when needed.
Type 2 - The Helper
Type 2 individuals often prioritize caring for others, even in their grief. They may suppress their own needs and emotions to support those around them. Type 2s should remember that self-care is equally important and to reach out to others for support.
Type 3 - The Achiever
Type 3s may channel their grief into productivity, striving to excel in their work or responsibilities. While this drive can be a coping mechanism, Type 3s need to pause and acknowledge their emotional needs, seeking support from loved ones.
Type 4 - The Individualist
Type 4 individuals have a deep connection with their emotions, and grief can be particularly intense for them. They may find solace in creative expression, such as art or writing, to process their feelings. Type 4s should share their emotions with trusted friends and avoid excessive self-isolation.
Type 5 - The Investigator
Type 5s tend to approach grief with a logical and analytical mindset, seeking to understand the complexities of their emotions. To cope effectively, Type 5s should balance their intellectual pursuits with opportunities for emotional expression and connection with others.
Type 6 - The Loyalist
Type 6 individuals may experience anxiety and fear during grief, often seeking security and support from trusted sources. Type 6s need to acknowledge their anxiety and find healthy ways to manage it, such as through therapy or support groups.
Type 7 - The Enthusiast
Type 7s may initially avoid facing grief by seeking distractions and new experiences. However, Type 7s must allow themselves moments of reflection and emotional processing. Seeking support from loved ones can help them navigate their feelings.
Type 8 - The Challenger
Type 8 individuals may approach grief with strength and control, often shielding themselves from vulnerability. Type 8s need to recognize that vulnerability is a part of the grieving process and seek support from those they trust.
Type 9 - The Peacemaker
Type 9s may struggle with avoidance and denial during grief, attempting to maintain inner peace by minimizing conflict. Type 9s need to confront their emotions and seek support to prevent emotional stagnation.
Final Thoughts
Navigating grief is a personal journey, and the MBTI and the Enneagram offer valuable insights into how we cope with loss. Understanding your personality type can provide you with tools and strategies to process grief effectively. Remember that seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist is essential to the healing process, regardless of your personality type. By honoring your unique approach to grief and embracing the support available, you can find healing and renewal.
After reading this (or writing it in my case), you can probably see how some of the concerns I wrote about at the beginning manifest. As an ENTJ Enneagram 7, I can get wrapped up in new experiences (and the guilt I feel from them), process my feelings out loud, approach my feelings through analysis and logic, and tend to discuss them from more philosophical and abstract angles. Using both systems together is integral to understanding ourselves. And by using the MBTI and the Enneagram together, we can tap into long-held wisdom to help guide our healing.
I hope this post has been helpful in your journey. Maybe you ended up here for the same reason I wrote the post. Or perhaps you ended up here for a different reason. Either way, I hope you walk away with a better understanding of yourself and the unique process you will go through.
Ready to learn how you can use insight into your personality to improve your life? Reach out today, and we will get started moving you from overwhelm and uncertainty to clarity and direction.
With love,
Tom Chapman, TruePath Discovery Coaching
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